COCKNEY COCKTAIL

OPENING NUMBER: ‘TOPSY TURVY’

(Eliza and Pedro go off and gypsies and swapsies take off all their trimmings and settle down by the campfire)

VICT L Well, that’s it for another year, I suppose!

ADAM H One day of feasting followed by a year of fasting!

BECKY Oh my goodness!, Oh my goodness!

DAISY She’s tired, poor little mite. Take her off to bed. (Enter Eliza)

ELIZA BED?! Did I hear someone mention BED?!

ALL(tired) Yes, Eliza

ELIZA And?....................

ALL WE LOVE YOU, ELIZA

ELIZA And so you should, after all I do for you ungrateful lot! Now, why haven’t you cleared this mess up yet?

LAURA We are all SO tired Eliza

MEGAN It’s been SUCH a long day

BECKY S Can’t we do it tomorrow?

JAMES We’ll get up early

DANIEL H We PROMISE!

ELIZA You’ll get up early all right. MY skirt will need washing and pressing, MY rings will need polishing, MY hair will need a good brushing, MY……

BECKY H (aside) my, my, my, my, my………………………..

ELIZA Did you speak girl?

BECKY H What? Er……..No, Eliza(Eliza glares at her, waiting for more)

BECKY H I LOVE YOU, ELIZA

ELIZA Good, I’m GLAD to hear it……now…(the girl stamps on her foot, the others giggle quietly) AAHHH!!! CLEAR UP THIS SITE IMMEDIATELY YOU DIRTY RAGAMUFFINS! AND DON’T STOP TILL IT’S SPOTLESS! And as for YOU! YOU can come with me. You will be sleeping with the animals tonight! It’s where you belong! And don’t even think of trying to escape because they will kick up such a rumpus that I will HEAR you! And anyway, there’s a full moon tonight and I shall have the torch so you will NEVER see where you are going!

GOT IT?!

BECKY H OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS!

ELIZA SILENCE CHILD! (She drags her off)

JOE H I can’t stand this place anymore

IRENEE We have one day of fun to look forward to a year, that’s all

DANIEL L Topsy Turvy Day!

DAISY And then it’s all over and we’re faced with another year of work and misery

VICKY L And playing servants to Eliza’s whims and wishes!

MEGAN We’ve got to get out of here!

ADAM H Yeh, we’ve got to find some of way to escape

LAURA Maybe one day we’ll find a proper home and settle down instead of roaming the

countryside in a gypsy caravan

JOE J Yeh! And maybe we’ll EVEN find a REAL mum and dad instead of LADY ‘LIZA and POTTY PEDRO!

JAMES Oh, Pedro’s ok, he’s funny!

DANIEL H Yeh, he makes me laugh!

IRENEE Yeh, me too, all Eliza thinks about is herself and how she looks

JAMES Yeh, she REALLY loves herself. Funny thing though, she thinks PEDRO loves her as well

(they all laugh)

JOE H So come on then, how are we going to get out of here?/

DAISY And WHERE are we going to go? (they all begin to think)

JOE J I KNOW, we could…………….no!

IRENEE What about?.................................no, that wouldn’t work either!

LAURA I know, let’s ask Pedro. He’ll help us, I know he will

VICKY Yeh, he’s travelled all over the world, he’s bound to know somewhere we could go

MEGAN You don’t think he would tell Eliza

JESSICA No! He wouldn’t, not Pedro

BECKY S Aren’t you all forgetting something? (they all look puzzled) Our little friend? If we are going we need to go tonight and we can’t leave her behind.

ADAM And we’ll never get her away without Eliza hearing us…..

PEDRO (Enters singing) Topsy Turvy………….Topsy Turvy………….

ALL(sadly) Hello Pedro

PEDRO GREETINGS GIRLS, GOOD EVENING GUYS. GOODNESS GRACIOUS, GIGGLING, GRINNING AND GLADNESSS GONE FOR GOOD?!

ALL AT ONCE Oh Pedro, It’s Eliza / Eliza’s locked our little friend in with the animals / She’s going to make her sleep there ALL NIGHT! / And it’s SO dark cos there’s no moon tonight /

She’ll be SO scared and we all want to escape / And oh Pedro we do so need your help and…. (ALL) PLEASE WILL YOU HELP US PEDRO?

PEDRO JUMPING JEHOSEPHAT! A JUMBLE OF GENERAL GEN! METHINKS A NORMAL NARRATIVE IS NOW NECESSARY!

DANIEL Pedro, you don’t half use some long words!

JAMES Yeh, what was that lot supposed to mean?

JESSICA What it means, is that the information he received is totally confusing and now he requires clearer and more precise details in order to more fully assess the situation (looks at Pedro)

ACCURATE?

PEDRO AFFIRMATIVE!

JESSICA That MEANS YES!

DANIEL H Pedro, we are so fed up with Eliza

JOE H She’s always bossing us about

LAURA She wears all the nicest clothes

MEGAN The best jewellery money can buy

BECKY S Her hair is beautiful

IRENEE She’s got EVERYTHING we’ve always wanted

DAISY But it’s us she relies on to keep her looking the way she does

ADAM H And now we’ve had ENOUGH!

VICKY We’re going to run away!

PEDRO ESCAPE? ELOPE? EVER SO EXTREMELY EXCITING!

JESSICA He LIKES the idea!

JAMES We gathered that much!

DANIEL H Any ideas where we could go Pedro, somewhere exciting?

PEDRO LONDON?

JOE J What’s in London Pedro?

PEDRO LIGHTS! LOTS OF LIFE AND LUCK! LORDS & LADIES LANGUISHING IN A LAP OF LUXURY!

VICKY L Oh it sounds WONDERFUL! So you will help us Pedro, escape I mean?

PEDRO Hmmm? DIFFICULT DECISION!

ALL PLEASE PEDRO!.....................................WE LOVE YOU PEDRO!

PEDRO INDUBITABLY!

JESSICA Goes without question!

Pedro, you can think of a way of keeping Eliza amused for a while, can’t you?

BECKY S She’ll do ANYTHING for you!

JOE H Yeh, we think she……she….. FANCIES you! (all giggle)

PEDRO FANCY? …………………………(thinks!) FANCY! A FASCINATING FANTASY FOR FUTURE REFERRAL!

DAISY Look Pedro, we really sorry to interrupt your fantasies but now we’ve made up our minds we really want to go, which means we’ve got to do it…………….. NOW!

ADAM How about if you go to her caravan?...................

VICKY L Yes, and take a red rose(runs and finds one) and a bottle of PLONK!

PEDRO PLONK! PERRIER, PLEASE!!

LAURA Oh, and don’t forget the chocolates – there’s some left over from today, I picked them up earlier (goes and picks up a box of MILK TRAY)

IRENEE Will you do it then Pedro

PEDRO DO? DETAIN A DAME? THAT’S A DEVILLISHLY DARING DUTY TO DELIVER!!

IRENEE But YOU can do it…….we know you can!

MEGAN Just pretend you’ve fallen in love with her!

DANIEL H She’s BOUND to fall for it, she thinks the world of you Pedro

JAMES Will you do it Pedro, will you?

PEDRO WILL I?.......(he looks at them)…..WILL I?.....VERY WELL, I WILL! WAIT A WHILE!

(he goes off)

BECKY S Right then, we’ll all pretend to be asleep till Pedro comes back with Eliza (they all settle down to ‘sleep’ by the fire. Pedro returns with Eliza)

ELIZA PEDRO! This is all so sudden and unexpected. What on earth has brought all this on?

PEDRO(sings) TOPSY TURVY!

ELIZA More like TIPSY TURVY! If that bottle wasn’t full Pedro, I’d have said you had been drinking! Mind you, I’m not complaining. I always did hope that one day….. maybe……..you

and I……. might………………

PEDRO(over the top) ELIZA! ELEGANT! ENCHANTING! ENDEARING! I AM ECSTATIC, ENRAPTURED, ENTHRALLED AND SHALL BE EVERMORE………..ENAMOURED!!!!

(He grabs her and takes her into a passionate embrace and then waves to one of the bigger ones who runs off. She soon returns carrying the little one and hides her in amongst the others who are ‘asleep’. When she is safe, Pedro returns Eliza to ‘normal’ position)

ELIZA PEDRO!!! YOU HOT BLOODED PEDLARMAN!! I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU!! WHERE ON EARTH DID THAT COME FROM?

PEDRO NECESSITY!

ELIZA PARDON?

PEDRO NOTHING! ENCORE ELIZA?

ELIZA ENCORE! (Pedro picks up his rose and gives it to Eliza)

PEDRO BLOSSOMS! (He picks up the wine and gives it to Eliza) BUBBLY! (He holds her hand up in the air) BRIDE TO BE! (He gives her the chocolates) AND ALL BECAUSE!! (They turn to run off together, Eliza carries on and Pedro turns back to the kids) BYE BYE! BE BRAVE!

ELIZA(calling from offstage) Oh Pedro…………………..

PEDRO BOTTOMS UP!! (He goes skipping off)

(the younger gypsies ‘wake up’ looking around to make sure the coast is clear)

JESSICA He DID it, I knew he could, come on, we’d better go and pack

DAISY Pack? We haven’t got time for that, in any case, we haven’t really got anything

worth taking, Eliza sees to that!

JOE H Oh come on, let’s get going, we can worry about all that when we get there.

DANIEL L Isn’t this exciting!

BECKY Sure is, a real adventure

VICKY A new way of life

ADAM H LONDON, HERE WE COME!

SONG: BRIGHT NEW DAY

(Lights gradually go down on older sleeping gypsies and bring over front curtain)

CLOSE TAB CURTAIN

(NEXT MORNING)

(Enter Pedro jumping and skipping for joy and singing ‘Topsy Turvy’. Enter Eliza)

PEDRO AH, ELIZA. EXCELLENT EVENING?

ELIZA Oh Pedro, it’s the children!

PEDRO AH, CHARMING, CHEERFUL, CHEEKY, CHILDREN!

ELIZA TRUANT CHILDREN!

PEDRO TRUANT?

ELIZA They’ve gone, escaped, run away – like rabbits

PEDRO (Singing) RUN RABBIT, RUN RABBIT, RUN, RUN, RUN!!

ELIZA Can’t you ever stop singing and be serious, just for once in your life

PEDRO SERIOUS? SILLY SUGGESTION!! (Announces)

PEDRO PEDLARMAN! PERMANENTLY PERKY AND PREPARED TO PLEASE!

ELIZA PEDRO! Will you please stop being so ‘FLIPPING FLIPPANT!’ Oh you’ve got me at it now! Give me a chance to think. Where on earth would they have gone? What on earth would they be searching for?

PEDRO (All of a sudden more serious) LIGHTS OF LONDON? LOOKING FOR LOVE?

ELIZA YOU KNEW DIDN’T YOU?!! YOU HELPED THEM ESCAPE!

PEDRO WELL…..WE…..

ELIZA Oh, it’s all right…..I know I was mean to them and I made them do things for me.

I suppose they must have thought I didn’t love them…….but I DID you know……

and….. I… I MISS them!

PEDRO MISS? MADAM! A MOST METICULOUS MISCALCULATION OF MINE!

YOU AMAZE ME!

ELIZA I think I’ve just amazed myself! Oh Pedro, you must help me find them.

I never thought I’d miss them but then, I never thought they’d never be here

PEDRO A NOTABLE NOSEGAY OF NEGATIVES!

ELIZA Never mind the negatives! We’ve POSITIVELY GOT to find them. Come on…what

are we waiting for? (she starts to go pulling Pedro’s hand)

PEDRO ( surprised and puzzled) WHY? WHO? WHERE? WHEN?

ELIZA WHY? Because I want them back. WHO? The children of course.

WHERE? Well you just said something about the lights of London so you must have

some reason to think that’s where they are heading so it’s as good a place to start as

any and WHEN? RIGHT NOW, PEDRO! COME ON!! Oh…. But wait!

PEDRO DIFFERENT DECISION?

ELIZA If we turn up looking like this they will recognise us and run away. We must disguise ourselves and then when we know exactly where they are and what they are up to then

we can think up a way of getting them to come back again.

PEDRO (sarcastically) PURPLE PIGS ON THE PLANET OF PLUTO??

ELIZA Don’t be so defeatist Pedro – We’ll go to my caravan and dig out some of my

grandmothers tattiest old clothes, we will dirty up our faces and YOU must learn

to be serious, otherwise you’ll give the game away. Oh Pedro we will find them, I know

we will but we will have to be so careful not to give the game away. Come on, I must

go and get my things together, you will help me, won’t you?

PEDRO (he nods, speechless)

ELIZA Of course, I have to take my bird with me, I couldn’t possibly leave him behind but we’ll have to find some way of keeping him out of the way, and QUIET, that bird nearly

talks as much as you! Hey, I think I’m quite looking forward to our little adventure,

Come on Pedro?

(They go off) – VIA CARAVAN

CHARACTERS

ELIZA – Head gypsy – not nice to the younger gypsies

PEDRO – The Pedlar man

GYPSIES – Girls

PINK PANTHER – COMIC APPEARANCE

ORPHANS – Boys

OLD BILL – Comedy Policemen - Tall

MIDDLE BILL – Medium Height

YOUNG BILL – Short

WINNIE THE POOH – COMIC APPEARANCE

OLD FOGEY – Fagin type character

3 SOLICITORS – Could prob be done by one or two depending on cast

PARROT – Comedy appearance

Lots of one liners etc for chorus who have plenty of big chorus numbers if that’s what you want