“CATS OF THE CARIBBEAN”

(Main curtain closed. Islanders lazing around in the morning sun, sleeping)

(Enter Mr Mistoffelees)

SONG: PURE IMAGINATION

[Spoken]
Hold your breath, Make a wish, Count to three
[Sung]
Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you'll see into your imagination

We'll begin with a spin travelling in the world of my creation
What we'll see will defy explanation

If you want to view paradise simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it. Want to change the world? There's nothing to it

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination
Living there you'll be free if you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it. Want to change the world? There's nothing to it

There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination
Living there you'll be free if you truly wish to be

(Main curtain opens during this song & Mistoffelees goes on to the stage, watched by Top Cat & Boss Cat. Mr Mistoffelees goes off and Top Cat & Boss Cat disappear. Islanders start to wake up)

SONG: ISLAND IN THE SUN – Solo & Islanders

This is my island in the sun, where my people have toiled since time begun
Though I sail on many a sea, these shores will always be home to me

Oh, island in the sun, willed to me by my father's hand
All my days I will sing in praise of your shining waters, your silver sand

There are women on bended knees, washing clothes for her family
There are men at the waterside, casting nets at the surging tide

Oh, island in the sun, willed to me by my father's hand
All my days I will sing in praise of your shining waters, your silver sand

I hope the day will never come when I can't awake to the morning sun
Laze all day till the carnival, sing calypso songs philosophical
Oh, island in the sun, willed to me by my father's hand
All my days I will sing in praise of your shining waters, your silver sand

(enter Charlene Chonkawonka – the Chief’s wife)

CHARLENE(shouting) What in de devil is going on here? You know de Chief does not approve of dis……what do you call it POP music?

……………………… But Mrs Chonkawonka, dis is not POP singing, we was singing about our

island

CHARLENE Maybe you was but it was not WHAT you was singing but de way you was singing it.

Chief Chonkawonka would not approve.

…………………….. Chief Chonkawonka does not approve of ANYTHING!

…………………… Apart from CHOCOLATE!! (all laugh!)

…………………… And CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM!!

(all laugh louder and chatter about ice cream etc)

CHARLENE SILENCE! I will not have all of dis noise. Dis is a peaceful island and you will all keep it dat way. It is de way it has always been and your Chief commands it will stay dat way. Now, do you not all have work to do in preparation for de Island Festival? (all mutter and moan – yes, suppose so, can’t have any fun here, festival will be just as boring as it is every year etc etc – all go off)

(Enter McCavity, looking around to make sure no-one is watching him – he goes over to Nettie’s house and pinches the milk and cream from outside the door. Enter Chief Chonkawonka, again looking around)

CHIEF (loud whisper) Have you got it? (McCavity nods and hands over the milk and cream to the Chief) Mmmm! Delicious…..full cream milk and Caribbean clotted cream. Dat woman will never notice it is missing and if she does we will blame one of de cats on de island. You can get some more for me later – now GO before we is seen together (McCavity and Chief go off, checking they haven’t been seen)

SONG: JELLICLE CATS

Are you blind when you're born? Can you see in the dark?

Can you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne?
Can you say of your bite that it's worse than your bark?
Are you cock of the walk when you're walking alone?

Because Jellicles are and Jellicles do, Jellicles do and Jellicles would

Jellicles would and Jellicles can, Jellicles can and Jellicles do

When you fall on your head, do you land on your feet?
Are you tense when you sense there's a storm in the air?
Can you find your way blind when you're lost in the street?
Do you know how to go to the Heaviside Layer?

Because Jellicles can and Jellicles do, Jellicles do and Jellicles can
Jellicles can and Jellicles do, Jellicles do and Jellicles can, Jellicles can and Jellicles do

Can you ride on a broomstick to places far distant?
Familiar with candle, with book and with bell?
Were you Whittington's friend? The Pied Piper's assistant?

Have you been an alumnus of heaven or hell?

Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats, Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats, Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats, Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats
Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats, Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats

Can you sing at the same time in more than one key, Duets by Rossini and waltzes by Strauss
And can you (as cats do) begin with a C, That always triumphantly brings down the house

Jellicle cats are queen of the nights, Singing at astronomical heights
Handling pieces from the Messiah, Hallelujah, angelical choir

The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity

Round the cathedral rang "Vivat!", Life to the everlasting cat!
Feline, fearless, faithful and true, To others who do what

Jellicles do and Jellicles can, Jellicles can and Jellicles do Jellicle cats sing Jellicle chants, Jellicles old and Jellicles new, Jellicle song and Jellicle dance

Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats, Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats
Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats, Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats

Practical cats - dramatical cats - Pragmatical cats - fanatical cats
Oratorical cats - delphioracle cats - Skeptical cats - dispeptical cats
Romantical cats - pedantical cats - Critical cats - parasitical cats
Allegorical cats - metaphorical cats - Statistical cats and mystical cats
Political cats - hypocritical cats - Clerical cats - hysterical cats
Cynical cats, rabbinical cats

Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats, Jellicle bells that Jellicles ring
Jellicle sharps and Jellicle flats, Jellicle songs that Jellicles sing
Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats, Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats

Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats, Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats

There's a man over there with a look of surprise, As much as to say, "Well now how about that!" Do I actually see with my own very eyes, a man who's not heard of a Jellicle cat?
What's a Jellicle cat? What's a Jellicle cat?

(towards the end of the song Chief enters watching them, thoughtfully. Eventually he goes off as the cats start to look around their new surroundings)

BOSS CAT I say old fellow, did you see that rather purrculiar man with all the feathers? Who do you think he might be?

TOP CAT HEY!! Never mind HIM! Just one of them thar cannonballs I reckon – ain’t likely to bother us none if he is. HEY!! Would ya just look at THIS! This is PURRFECT!! We sure have landed on our paws this time Boss Cat. Phew! It ain’t ‘alf hot, I could do with a MICE CREAM but I don’t suppose Kelly’s deliver this far from home. HEY!! I reckon I could sorta get used to this way o’ life – pretty laid back eh, bit like me really! HEY! just look at all o’ this beach – HEY! That reminds me of Christmas

BOSS CAT CHRISTMAS! What on EARTH are you talking about, it’s the middle of summer you STUPID BOY!

TOP CAT HEY! Who you callin’ STOOPID! I’ll have you know I once drank 5 whole bowls of milk in just 10 seconds

BOSS CAT (bored) Really! (yawn)

TOP CAT Yep! Sure did! Set a new LAP record! Anyway, as I was a saying’ Do you know what ya get when ya sits on the beach at Christmas?

BOSS CAT No I do not Top Cat but I am CATegorically convinced that you are about to inform me

TOP CAT Why, I sure am – SANDY CLAWS!! GET IT? SANDY….. CLAWS?? HEY! that was a good’un eh Boss Cat?

BOSS CAT I have to say, Top Cat that was one of your better jokes. Now look here old fellow, don’t you think we had better do a roll call and confirm everybody’s attendance? We need to ensure that we have not misplaced anyone along the way

TOP CAT Yep, can’t argue with that Boss! – What a CATastrophe that would be! (he calls and as he does so they all fall into line

MAGNIFICAT! SUGARPUSS! AND LIL’ OL’ KITTYCAT!! PINKYPUSS & PERKYPUSS! POMPUSS! RUMPUSS! SNUGGLEPUSS! SNUGGLEPUSS!

BOSS CAT She’s fast asleep………. As usual

TOP CAT PAW thing – we’ll just let her be!

TOP CAT TOM AND JERRY!!.......................(nothing happens)TOM……….JERRY…..(nothing happens) this is what ya call a LONG PAWS!! TOM…………..JERRY!

BOSS CAT AS PER USUAL! Thomasina & Jeremiah are conspicuously noticeable by their absence – Has anyone seen them? (Cats all shake their heads)

TOP CAT TOM & JERRY a right old pair of teasers! Bit of a chip off the old block eh?

(Tom & Jerry come bounding in from offstage) HEY! There y’are ya little ‘ol scallywags. Where you bin ahidin’ yourselves too?

BOSS CAT Erhum!! Now that we have everyone in attendance methinks we should survey our new domain somewhat and rendezvous back here in say, 30 minutes?

(they all start to wander off around the stage areas and audience etc)

MUSICAL INTRO: ‘THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A DAME’ (Enter NETTIE)

NETTIE Oh calamitous calypso’s! My milk and cream has gone again!

I think Mills Milk is spending too much time on dat Half Marathon and not enough on getting their deliveries right. (Notices the audience) Oh Hello

Good Day to you ladies..... (Coming forward and eyeing up the men) and gentlemen!! Nettie Knickerbocker is my name

I make ice cream in my parlour, I’m de Dame of ice cream fame

May I present my daughter, her name is Little Ellie (Ellie is nowhere to be seen )

And if Ellie don’t get her bottom in gear,

I’ll make her shake………….just like jelly! (Ellie hurries on as best she can with her stick)

ELLIE Sorry mum, I was busy checking the Cornetto’s!

NETTIE My ice-cream is de finest around, all my ingredients are pure

One bowl and no doubt you’ll agree

It tastes just like... like...

ELLIE Manure? ( NETTIE clips her round the head)

NETTIE My ice-cream is de finest around,

All my ingredients are pure.

One bowl and no doubt you’ll agree

It takes just like....

ELLIE A sewer! (She clips her around the head again)

NETTIE Oh hang it all. This is no use; I’m no good at speaking in rhyme

I think you should go and get some more milk, were wasting too much time

ELLIE Well done mum. A ‘rhyming couplet’!

NETTIE Smarty pants. (Clips her round the ear. Offstage there is a call)

LOLLY (Offstage) HELLOOOO! Is there anybody ho-ome? (NETTIE and ELLIE cringe)

NETTIE CALAMITOUS CALYPSO’S. I know who’s voice DAT is!.

ELLIE It’s Aunty Lolly!!

NETTIE It certainly is. She always off travelling round de world. Goodness only knows where she’s been this time but no doubt we are going to hear ALL about it. Every time she comes back with some different clothes and a different accent. I can’t begin to tell you what she is like – you certainly are not going to believe she is MY sister I’ll tell you that much but I’ll give you a clue They say you are what you eat – well SHE certainly eats a lot of TARTS!! Quick ELLIE, I don’t think she’s seen us. Let’s hide in the shop and pretend we’re not home.

MUSICAL INTRO: (SCOTTISH MUSIC)

LOLLY(Enters) Hellooo – ooo. Is there anybody aboot? Now where is ma dear sister Nettie and her cute wee bairn? A dinny ken where they’re to!! He he!! (To audience) Och!! I'm

forgetting ma manners! Hellooo! Ma name is LOLLY - Lolly Tartan – Do ya like the

outfit? Ya do? OCH! I’m SO pleased! Now, if any of you men out there is wonderin', I'm a single woman...(Dramatically ) ..Och! I’m all alone in a cruel…. cruel, Do you think I could get another one in? Aye, I think so too …………… cruel world! (CHIEF enters)

LOLLY Och, it’s Chief Chonkawonka – do you wee lassies not think he’s a HUNK! ? You do? (shouts) WELL KEEP YER WEE HANDS TO YERSEL’ COS I SAW HIM FIRST!

(LOLLY stands staring open mouthed at Chief and goes over to try and chat him up)

(Enter Islanders in groups, laughing at their antics. CHIEF extricates himself and hurries off trying to be un-noticed)

………………… We have just chosen who is to be the Festival Queen this year

(Enter CHERRY who stands behind LOLLY)

LOLLY Who?!

.................. You! (Indicates CHERRY)

LOLLY Me!? (realizes sadly ) Och! Not me.

.................. You will be Queen won't you?

CHERRY Of course I will (General cheers and excitement all round)

( Enter CHIEF & CHARLENE )

CHARLENE What is all dis noise about? I will not have all dis noise, dis is a peaceful island

CHERRY They have just asked me to be Festival Queen tomorrow, mother

CHIEF( shouting) My sweet little CHERRY is Queen ? Dat is marvellous. Da tradition continues

CHARLENE (Hitting CHIEF with HIS sceptre ) I said we can't have all this noise.

CHIEF I do wish you wouldn't do that CHARLENE my cherub

CHARLENE What?

CHARLENE ( Hits her with the sceptre ) Dat! It gives me de brain-ache.

CHARLENE Well it's not a very big ache then is it?

CHARLENE I decree der is too much noise here. I am going to stop all dis noise

LOLLY You? You couldn't stop a hog in a passageway.( General laugher )

CHARLENE(to Chief) Arrest that girl!

LOLLY(jumping at Chief) Och! What a SUPERB idea!

CHIEF (to Charlene) I DO NOT THINK SO! (to CHARLENE) DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I AM DE CHIEF OF DIS ISLAND AND I GIVE DE ORDERS! TALKING OF WHICH,

WHERE ARE THOSE IDIOTS I EMPLOY TO CARRY OUT MY ORDERS! THEY

SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE AGES AGO! THEY ARE SO SLOW

(Enter Oompah & Loompah)

SONG: OOMPAH LOOMPAH

(Both) Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do, we never know just what we should do
(Both)Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-doh,(Luke) if I ask him he says (Alex) I don’t know

We are so thick we just don’t have a clue, wandrin’ around saying ‘what shall we do?’
We try so hard but we never get far, they tell us we’re not up to par

You’re a pair of idiots (Chief)

(Both)Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-do (Alex) if I ask him he don’t have a clue

(Both)Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee-doh(Luke) if I ask him he says (Alex) I don’t know

(Both) We’ll exist in ignorant bliss, with an (Luke) oompah, (Alex) loompa, (Both) doompa-de kiss! (they both kiss the Chief)

CHIEF GET OFF ME YOU PAIR OF IDIOTS! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CARRYING OUT MY ORDERS! HAVE YOU GOT THEM

OOMPAH Errrr………….yes Chief Chonkawonka………….I think so………….(to Loompah) where are they?

CHARACTERS

CATS – Who have invaded the island – they all have individual characters

McCAVITY – Thieving Cat – not part of their gang

CHIEF CHONKAWONKA – Chief of the Island

CHARLENE CHONKAWONKA – His wife – tries to wear the trousers

PRINCESS CHERRY CHONKAWONKA – Their daughter

NETTIE KNICKERBOCKER – DAME – Runs the local Ice Cream Parlour

ELLIE – Her daughter – she is lame

LOLLY TARTAN – DAME – Nettie’s sister – just returned from her travels

OOMPAH & LOOMPAH – Chief’s guards/helpers – idiot police type roles

ISLAND CLERK – Can’t ever get his works out properly

SPIKEY – Jolly Holiday rep who has become shipwrecked and stays on the island – falls in love with the Princess Principal Boy Character

Lots of chorus one liners etc