COCKNEY COCKTAIL

 

OPENING NUMBER: ‘TOPSY TURVY’

(Eliza and Pedro go off and gypsies and swapsies take off all their trimmings and settle down by the campfire)

 

VICT L  Well, that’s it for another year, I suppose!

 

ADAM H          One day of feasting followed by a year of fasting!

 

BECKY  Oh my goodness!, Oh my goodness!

 

DAISY   She’s tired, poor little mite.  Take her off to bed.  (Enter Eliza)

 

ELIZA   BED?!  Did I hear someone mention BED?!

 

ALL(tired)        Yes, Eliza

 

ELIZA   And?....................

 

ALL                  WE LOVE YOU, ELIZA

 

ELIZA               And so you should, after all I do for you ungrateful lot! Now, why haven’t you cleared this mess up yet?

 

LAURA             We are all SO tired Eliza

 

MEGAN            It’s been SUCH a long day

 

BECKY S           Can’t we do it tomorrow?

 

JAMES              We’ll get up early

 

DANIEL H         We PROMISE!

 

ELIZA               You’ll get up early all right.  MY skirt will need washing and pressing, MY rings will need polishing, MY hair will need a good brushing, MY……

 

BECKY H          (aside) my, my, my, my, my………………………..

 

ELIZA               Did you speak girl?

 

BECKY H          What?  Er……..No, Eliza(Eliza glares at her, waiting for more)

 

 

 BECKY H         I LOVE YOU, ELIZA

 

ELIZA               Good, I’m GLAD to hear it……now…(the girl stamps on her foot, the others giggle quietly)  AAHHH!!! CLEAR UP THIS SITE IMMEDIATELY YOU DIRTY RAGAMUFFINS!  AND DON’T STOP TILL IT’S SPOTLESS!  And as for YOU! YOU can come with me.  You will be sleeping with the animals tonight!  It’s where you belong!  And don’t even think of trying to escape because they will kick up such a rumpus that I will HEAR you! And anyway, there’s a full moon tonight and I shall have the torch so you will NEVER see where you are going!

                        GOT IT?!

 

BECKY H          OH MY GOODNESS! OH MY GOODNESS!

 

ELIZA               SILENCE CHILD!  (She drags her off)

 

JOE H               I can’t stand this place anymore

 

IRENEE            We have one day of fun to look forward to a year, that’s all

 

DANIEL L         Topsy Turvy Day!

 

DAISY   And then it’s all over and we’re faced with another year of work and misery

 

VICKY L            And playing servants to Eliza’s whims and wishes!

 

MEGAN            We’ve got to get out of here!

 

ADAM H          Yeh, we’ve got to find some of way to escape

 

LAURA             Maybe one day we’ll find a proper home and settle down instead of roaming the

countryside in a gypsy caravan

 

JOE J                Yeh! And maybe we’ll EVEN find a REAL mum and dad instead of LADY ‘LIZA and POTTY PEDRO!

 

JAMES              Oh, Pedro’s ok, he’s funny!

 

DANIEL H         Yeh, he makes me laugh!

 

IRENEE            Yeh, me too, all Eliza thinks about is herself and how she looks

 

JAMES              Yeh, she REALLY loves herself.  Funny thing though, she thinks PEDRO loves her as well

                        (they all laugh)

 

JOE H               So come on then, how are we going to get out of here?/

DAISY   And WHERE are we going to go? (they all begin to think)

 

JOE J                I KNOW, we could…………….no!

 

IRENEE            What about?.................................no, that wouldn’t work either!

 

LAURA             I know, let’s ask Pedro.  He’ll help us, I know he will

 

VICKY               Yeh, he’s travelled all over the world, he’s bound to know somewhere we could go

 

MEGAN            You don’t think he would tell Eliza

 

JESSICA            No! He wouldn’t, not Pedro

 

BECKY S           Aren’t you all forgetting something? (they all look puzzled) Our little friend?  If we are going we need to go tonight and we can’t leave her behind.

 

ADAM              And we’ll never get her away without Eliza hearing us…..

 

PEDRO (Enters singing) Topsy Turvy………….Topsy Turvy………….

 

ALL(sadly)       Hello Pedro

 

PEDRO             GREETINGS GIRLS, GOOD EVENING GUYS.  GOODNESS GRACIOUS, GIGGLING, GRINNING AND GLADNESSS GONE FOR GOOD?!

 

ALL AT ONCE   Oh Pedro, It’s Eliza / Eliza’s locked our little friend in with the animals / She’s going to make her sleep there ALL NIGHT! / And it’s SO dark cos there’s no moon tonight /

                        She’ll be SO scared and we  all want to escape  /  And oh Pedro we do so need your help and…. (ALL) PLEASE WILL YOU HELP US PEDRO?

 

PEDRO             JUMPING JEHOSEPHAT!  A JUMBLE OF GENERAL GEN!  METHINKS A NORMAL NARRATIVE IS NOW NECESSARY!

 

DANIEL            Pedro, you don’t half use some long words!

 

JAMES              Yeh, what was that lot supposed to mean?

 

JESSICA            What it means, is that the information he received is totally confusing and now he requires clearer and more precise details in order to more fully assess the situation (looks at Pedro)

                        ACCURATE?

 

PEDRO             AFFIRMATIVE!

 

JESSICA            That MEANS YES!

 

DANIEL H         Pedro, we are so fed up with Eliza

 

JOE H               She’s always bossing us about

 

LAURA             She wears all the nicest clothes

 

MEGAN            The best jewellery money can buy

 

BECKY S           Her hair is beautiful

 

IRENEE            She’s got EVERYTHING we’ve always wanted

 

DAISY               But it’s us she relies on to keep her looking the way she does

 

ADAM H          And now we’ve had ENOUGH!

 

VICKY               We’re going to run away!

 

PEDRO             ESCAPE? ELOPE?  EVER SO EXTREMELY EXCITING!

 

JESSICA            He LIKES the idea!

 

JAMES              We gathered that much! 

 

DANIEL H         Any ideas where we could go Pedro, somewhere exciting?

 

PEDRO             LONDON? 

 

JOE J                What’s in London Pedro?

 

PEDRO             LIGHTS! LOTS OF LIFE AND LUCK! LORDS & LADIES LANGUISHING IN A LAP OF LUXURY! 

 

VICKY L            Oh it sounds WONDERFUL!  So you will help us Pedro, escape I mean?

 

PEDRO             Hmmm?   DIFFICULT DECISION!

 

ALL                  PLEASE PEDRO!.....................................WE LOVE YOU PEDRO!

 

PEDRO             INDUBITABLY!

 

JESSICA            Goes without question!

 

Pedro, you can think of a way of keeping Eliza amused for a while, can’t you?

 

BECKY S           She’ll do ANYTHING for you!

 

JOE H               Yeh, we think she……she….. FANCIES you! (all giggle)

 

PEDRO             FANCY? …………………………(thinks!) FANCY! A FASCINATING FANTASY FOR FUTURE REFERRAL!

 

DAISY               Look Pedro, we really sorry to interrupt your fantasies but now we’ve made up our minds we really want to go, which means we’ve got to do it…………….. NOW!

 

ADAM              How about if you go to her caravan?...................

 

VICKY L            Yes, and take a red rose(runs and finds one) and a bottle of PLONK!

 

PEDRO             PLONK!  PERRIER, PLEASE!!

 

LAURA             Oh, and don’t forget the chocolates – there’s some left over from today, I picked them up earlier (goes and picks up a box of MILK TRAY)

 

IRENEE            Will you do it then Pedro

 

PEDRO DO?  DETAIN A DAME?  THAT’S A DEVILLISHLY DARING DUTY TO DELIVER!!

 

IRENEE            But YOU can do it…….we know you can!

 

MEGAN            Just pretend you’ve fallen in love with her!

 

DANIEL H         She’s BOUND to fall for it, she thinks the world of you Pedro

 

JAMES  Will you do it Pedro, will you?

 

PEDRO WILL I?.......(he looks at them)…..WILL I?.....VERY WELL, I WILL!   WAIT A WHILE!

(he goes off)

 

BECKY S           Right then, we’ll all pretend to be asleep till Pedro comes back with Eliza (they all settle down to ‘sleep’ by the fire.  Pedro returns with Eliza)

 

ELIZA               PEDRO! This is all so sudden and unexpected.  What on earth has brought all this on? 

 

PEDRO(sings)  TOPSY TURVY!

 

ELIZA               More like TIPSY TURVY!  If that bottle wasn’t full Pedro, I’d have said you had been drinking! Mind you, I’m not complaining.  I always did hope that one day….. maybe……..you

                        and I……. might………………

 

PEDRO(over the top) ELIZA! ELEGANT! ENCHANTING! ENDEARING! I AM ECSTATIC, ENRAPTURED, ENTHRALLED AND SHALL BE EVERMORE………..ENAMOURED!!!!

                        (He grabs her and takes her into a passionate embrace and then waves to one of the bigger ones who runs off.  She soon returns carrying the little one and hides her in amongst the others who are ‘asleep’.  When she is safe, Pedro returns Eliza to ‘normal’ position)

 

ELIZA               PEDRO!!! YOU HOT BLOODED PEDLARMAN!! I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU!! WHERE ON EARTH DID THAT COME FROM?

 

PEDRO             NECESSITY!

 

ELIZA               PARDON?

 

PEDRO             NOTHING!  ENCORE ELIZA?

 

ELIZA               ENCORE!  (Pedro picks up his rose and gives it to Eliza)

 

PEDRO             BLOSSOMS! (He picks up the wine and gives it to Eliza) BUBBLY! (He holds her hand up in the air) BRIDE TO BE!  (He gives her the chocolates) AND ALL BECAUSE!! (They turn to run off together, Eliza carries on and Pedro turns back to the kids) BYE BYE! BE BRAVE!

 

ELIZA(calling from offstage)  Oh Pedro…………………..

 

PEDRO             BOTTOMS UP!!  (He goes skipping off)

 

(the younger gypsies ‘wake up’ looking around to make sure the coast is clear)

 

JESSICA            He DID it, I knew he could, come on, we’d better go and pack

 

DAISY   Pack? We haven’t got time for that, in any case, we haven’t really got anything    

worth taking, Eliza sees to that!

 

JOE H   Oh come on, let’s get going, we can worry about all that when we get there.

 

DANIEL L         Isn’t this exciting!

 

BECKY Sure is, a real adventure

 

VICKY   A new way of life

ADAM H          LONDON, HERE WE COME!  

                                                           

SONG: BRIGHT NEW DAY

(Lights gradually go down on older sleeping gypsies and bring over front curtain)

CLOSE TAB CURTAIN

 

(NEXT MORNING)

(Enter Pedro jumping and skipping for joy and singing ‘Topsy Turvy’.  Enter Eliza)

 

PEDRO AH, ELIZA.  EXCELLENT EVENING?

 

ELIZA   Oh Pedro, it’s the children!

 

PEDRO              AH, CHARMING, CHEERFUL, CHEEKY, CHILDREN!

 

ELIZA  TRUANT CHILDREN!

 

PEDRO             TRUANT?

 

ELIZA   They’ve gone, escaped, run away – like rabbits

 

PEDRO (Singing) RUN RABBIT, RUN RABBIT, RUN, RUN, RUN!!

 

ELIZA   Can’t you ever stop singing and be serious, just for once in your life

 

PEDRO SERIOUS? SILLY SUGGESTION!!  (Announces)

PEDRO PEDLARMAN! PERMANENTLY PERKY AND PREPARED TO PLEASE!

 

ELIZA               PEDRO! Will you please stop being so ‘FLIPPING FLIPPANT!’ Oh you’ve got me at it now!  Give me a chance to think.  Where on earth would they have gone?  What on earth would they be searching for?

 

PEDRO             (All of a sudden more serious)  LIGHTS OF LONDON?  LOOKING FOR LOVE?

 

ELIZA                YOU KNEW DIDN’T YOU?!!  YOU HELPED THEM ESCAPE!

 

PEDRO              WELL…..WE…..

 

ELIZA             Oh, it’s all right…..I know I was mean to them and I made them do things for me.

  I suppose they must have thought I didn’t love them…….but I DID you know……

  and….. I… I MISS them!

 

PEDRO              MISS? MADAM!  A MOST METICULOUS MISCALCULATION OF MINE!

YOU AMAZE ME!

 

ELIZA     I think I’ve just amazed myself!  Oh Pedro, you must help me find them.

  I never thought I’d miss them but then, I never thought they’d never be here

 

PEDRO             A NOTABLE NOSEGAY OF NEGATIVES!

 

ELIZA  Never mind the negatives!  We’ve POSITIVELY GOT to find them.  Come on…what

are we waiting for? (she starts to go pulling Pedro’s hand)

 

PEDRO  (         surprised and puzzled)  WHY? WHO? WHERE?  WHEN?

 

ELIZA   WHY?  Because I want them back.   WHO? The children of course. 

WHERE?  Well you just said something about the lights of London so you must have

some reason to think that’s where they are heading so it’s as good a place to start as

 any and WHEN?  RIGHT NOW, PEDRO!  COME ON!! Oh…. But wait!

 

PEDRO              DIFFERENT DECISION?

 

ELIZA               If we turn up looking like this they will recognise us and run away.  We must disguise ourselves and then when we know exactly where they are and what they are up to then

 we can think up a way of getting them to come back again.

 

PEDRO (sarcastically) PURPLE PIGS ON THE PLANET OF PLUTO??

 

ELIZA  Don’t be so defeatist Pedro – We’ll go to my caravan and dig out some of my

grandmothers tattiest old clothes, we will dirty up our faces and YOU must learn

to be serious, otherwise you’ll give the game away.  Oh Pedro we will find them, I know

we will but we will have to be so careful not to give the game away.  Come on, I must

 go and get my things together, you will help me, won’t you?

 

PEDRO             (he nods, speechless)

 

ELIZA               Of course, I have to take my bird with me, I couldn’t possibly leave him behind but we’ll have to find some way of keeping him out of the way, and QUIET, that bird nearly

talks as much as you!  Hey, I think I’m quite looking forward to our little adventure,

Come on Pedro?

 

(They go off) – VIA CARAVAN

CHARACTERS

ELIZA – Head gypsy – not nice to the younger gypsies

PEDRO – The Pedlar man

GYPSIES – Girls

PINK PANTHER – COMIC APPEARANCE

ORPHANS – Boys

OLD BILL – Comedy Policemen - Tall

MIDDLE BILL – Medium Height

YOUNG BILL – Short

WINNIE THE POOH – COMIC APPEARANCE

OLD FOGEY – Fagin type character

3 SOLICITORS – Could prob be done by one or two depending on cast

                        PARROT – Comedy appearance

                        Lots of one liners etc for chorus who have plenty of big chorus numbers if that’s what you want