‘A BIT OF A PANTOMIME’

by Marilyn Grose

ACT 1

STAGE CUE: OVERTURE

OPEN BLUE CURTAIN TO REVEAL BLACK TAB

(Enter Gretel – she sits on the front of the stage engrossed in a big book)

 

MUSIC: ‘THIS IS MY STORY’ – Principals & Villagers

 

I waited all my life, lived it by the book, now I know that's not my story.
You take me as I am. Love me as I look, standing here in all my glory.
I am sweetness. I am bratty.

I'm a duckling I am chatty
We’re a mess of contradictions in a dress.
We are sassy. We are sappy.
When I'm with you I am happy. This is my story.
You laugh at all my jokes even though they're crude.
You don't mind that I'm not classy.
We make a perfect pair, radiant and rude.
So in love and much too gassy.
I’m an ogre, I am scary.
I’m a Piggy I am Hairy
We have bold and brand-new stories to be told.
We will write them. We will tell them.
You will hear them.You will smell them.
This is our story.

GRETEL - Spoken
Now THIS is how this LITTLE ogre came down to the swamp in search of happiness.
Oh no it’s not. Oh yes it is

And some Ug – a – ly bugs

And a very handsome Baron!
Okay... And a Duck!
And a Fairy Godmother! And Snow White
And a cross-dressing wolf! Three bears!

PRINCIPALS/VILLAGERS

What makes us special... What makes us special...
What makes us special...What makes us special...
What makes us special...What makes us special...Makes us strong!
We have froggies We have fairies.We have ghosties
I'm an Aries! We've a giant and an og-re here to try.
We are puppets We are rabbits We are hobbits with bad habits.
We're a screwy but delighted crazy stew.
We are diff'rent and united. You are us and we are you.
This is our story. This is our story. This is our story.
God bless us! Every one!
The End!

 

 

 

(All off except Gretel. Enter Hansel - she doesn’t hear or acknowledge him)

HANSEL     What’s that you’re reading Gretel, I haven’t seen that before. 

Is it yours?

 

GRETEL(not really listening)  Hmmmm?? Oh no, it’s granny’s.  She said I could borrow it.  She said it would keep me out of trouble for a while

 

HANSEL     HUH! FAT CHANCE! What’s it about?

 

GRETEL     It’s got just about every pantomime, fairy story and nursery rhyme in it you could ever think of.  It’s been in her family for generations.  She told me to take VERY good care of it

 

HANSEL     It must be VERY old.  I wonder where she got it from

 

GRETEL (still reading)  Oh, she told me that.  She said it was given to her great, great grandmother by some weird old lady with a GOLDEN DUCK!! Of course, I don’t believe a word of it

 

HANSEL Well, THAT’S a fairy story if EVER I heard one!!.(looking over shoulder) HEY! LOOK! GRETEL…….on Page 28….. my FAVOURITE pantomime!!

ALADDIN!!  Come on Gretel, let ME have a look!!

(Hansel tries to grab the book but Gretel pulls it away and they argue and fight over it.  Finally, book comes apart and pages fly all over the place)

 

GRETEL (REALLY cross)  HANSEL!! YOU!! YOU!!! NOW look what you’ve done!! If granny sees THIS!! What are we going to do NOW??

 

HANSEL     It’s not ALL my fault, I mean, I didn’t MEAN to do it, it just sort of well, happened. I think we had better leave home….. and QUICK!!

 

GRETEL     LEAVE HOME? We can’t leave home! Don’t be so STUPID!

 

HANSEL     Have you got a BETTER idea?

 

GRETEL     NO!...............but…………

 

HANSEL     Well neither have I………….(he goes & then turns back.  Gretel is picking up the pages of the book so he helps her, scoops them all up quickly and grabs her arm)  COME ON!!! (he drags her off)

 

SOUND/LIGHT: THUNDER & LIGHTNING (Enter Hairy Fairy and Piggy Wiggy - SL)  

 

HAIRY FAIRY     Worst of the evening to you…..SAD ones!!  I am Hairy Fairy the dastardly demon, denizen of darkness, debonaire of disguise…… and THIS is my assistant Piggy Wiggy

 

PIGGY WIGGY   And I HATE little children!!! They SMELL and worst of ALL…. they’re not even NICE!!  AND I hate OLD GRANNIES!!

 

 

HAIRY FAIRY (Going down into audience) You are all a WASTE OF SPACE!! Why do you bother coming?  We don’t want to entertain the likes of YOU!

I bet you all wear sad pink and blue pyjamas and fluffy slippers…..DON’T YOU?

 

PIGGY WIGGY   Here?..... boss?  YOU’VE got a pair of them in your wardrobe!  Go on, you KNOW you have you old scallywag.  Yes, they’re all fluffy and in the shape of cute little……………

 

HAIRY FAIRY     BE SILENT!.....or TOMORROW……I might decide to have BACON for breakfast!!.. (Piggy goes silent, shuffles his feet and looks down.  He jumps out of his skin when Hairy Fairy shouts again)  BRING ME MY CRYSTAL BALL!! (Piggy runs off and brings back the crystal ball. 

SOUND/LIGHT: DIM LIGHTS FOR CRYSTAL BALL. MUSIC: EERIE SOUNDS

We will see what’s going on down in PANTOLAND!!  There must be some trouble we can cause and evil we can spread. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!! (They start to chant together round the crystal ball)

 

BOTH         Demons, spirits, devils, elves

                   We want all the goodies for OURSELVES

                   We’ll fight all the goodness if you’ll give us a hand

                   And show us the way to PANTOLAND (They laugh loudly)

 

PIGGY WIGGY   Look Boss, look!  Two little children (he makes a face)

YEUCK!!! AND they’re all on their own

 

HAIRY FAIRY     Wait, the picture changes.  What’s this? NO!! It CAN’T be!

Look, the people in Pantoland, they’re all mixed up!  There’s Cinderella climbing the beanstalk and Humpty Dumpty eating porridge in the Three Bears house!!  Looks like we have already cast some EVIL spells.

 

PIGGY WIGGY   I bet there’s LOTS more trouble we can make THERE!!

 

HAIRY FAIRY Yes, and they will never know it’s us because WE are the masters of disguise.   (to audience) and YOU had better watch out too.  Say ONE WORD to anyone about what we are dressed in or what we are doing and you are ALL DEAD MEAT!! (He goes off)

 

PIGGY  WIGGY YEAH! Did you hear that?  You’re gonna be ALL DEAD ME…

 

HAIRY FAIRY (from the wings)  PIG SQUEAK!! GET HERE!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

PIGGY WIGGY (Jumps again) OINK!! Coming boss!! (he runs off)

(Enter Fairy Godmother and her assistant, Sugar Plum MUSIC: ‘FAIRY INTRO’

 

F.G.MOTHER      PHEW! Hairy Fairy’s been here!  I can still smell his socks!  Pooo! I wouldn’t wish THAT smell on ANYONE!

 

SUGAR PLUM     Do you think he’s been up to no good?

 

F.G.MOTHER      Sugar Plum!  I am SURPRISED at you!  I thought you were learning quicker than that! Of COURSE he’s been up to no good!

(to audience) Do YOU know what he’s up to?  Come on, you can tell US!  We want to make sure he gets what he deserves.  Come on then, tell us, where is he going?

 

AUDIENCE          PANTOLAND!

 

SUGAR PLUM     So THAT’S what he’s up to!  Do you think we can stop him?

 

F.G.MOTHER      Well, we can certainly try Sugar Plum but it might be that he is stronger than you or I.  Mind you, we do have SOMETHING on our side (nodding towards audience) (to audience) Do you think YOU could help us?

 

AUDIENCE          YES!

 

F.G.MOTHER      Well you COULD sound a bit more enthusiastic – YOU should try getting up here and doing this you know, its not easy!.  Now, lets try that again shall we – do YOU think you could help us?

 

AUDIENCE          YES!!!!

 

SUGAR PLUM     You COULD?? That’s MARVELLOUS! 

 

F.G.MOTHER      Now, all you have to do is tell us what they are disguised as each time they appear.

 

SUGAR PLUM     That way, we can match him and, hopefully, save the day

 

F.G.MOTHER      SO! You’d better sit up and pay attention – come on, sit up straight, no slouching.  One last thing, if he tries any funny business, don’t worry, we are going to cast a spell of protection over you.  That way, no harm will come to any of you (they both wave their wands and chant)

 

BOTH         Fairies, nymphs, so true and good

                   Come to this place and do what you should

                   Protect these people every one

                   And take them home safely when our panto’s done

 

F.G.MOTHER      There, that should give them more protection than a tin of Sure deodorant!!  (MUSIC: ‘FAIRY’ as they go off)

 

STAGE CUE: OPEN BLACK TAB ON VILLAGE SCENE

 

MUSIC: THIS OLE HOUSE – Mother Hubbard, Cinders, Villagers, Children

 

VILLAGERS

This ole house once knew his children, this ole house once knew a wife

This ole house was home and comfort as we fought the storms of life

This ole house once rang with laughter, this ole house heard many shouts

Now she trembles in the darkness when the lightning walks about

CHORUS

Ain’t a gonna need this house no longer, ain’t a gonna need this house no more

Ain’t got time to fix the shingles, ain’t a got time to fix the floor

Ain’t got time to oil the hinges nor to mend no window panes

Ain’t a gonna need this house no longer, she’s a-getting’ ready to meet the saints

 

MOTHER HUBBARD

This ole house is really shaky, this ole house is really cold

This ole house lets in the rain, this ole house lets in the cold

Oh my knees are a-gettin’ chilly but I feel no fear nor pain

Cos I see an angel peekin’ through the broken window pane

 

REPEAT CHORUS

 

VILLAGERS

This ole house is afraid of thunder, this ole house is afraid of storms

This ole house just groans and trembles when the night wind flings its arms

This ole house is gettin’ feeble, this ole house is needin’ paint

 

MOTHER HUBBARD

Just like me it’s tuckered out but I’m a-gettin’ ready to meet the saints

(Enter Children)

 

CHILDREN

Ain’t a gonna leave this house no longer, ain’t a gonna leave this house no more

We’ve got time to fix the windows, we’ve got time to fix the floor

We’ve got time to oil the hinges and to mend the windows too

Ain’t a-gonna leave this house no longer, we’re a-movin’ in next door to you

 

This ole house needs all us children, this ole house needs just one wife

It will be our home and comfort as we fight the storms of life

This ole house will ring with laughter, this ole house will hear our shouts

Now we’ve moved into this ole house we’ll be always round about

 

ALL

Ain’t a-gonna leave this house no longer, ain’t a-gonna leave this house no more

We’ve got time to fix the windows, we’ve got time to fix the floor

We’ve got time to oil the hinges and to mend the windows too

Aint a-gonna leave this house no longer, we’re a-movin’ in next door to you

 

MOTHER HUBBARD    All right my dears, that’s enough singing and dancing for now.  It’s time we got some work done, there’s SO much to do

 

CHILD 1     Oh Mother Hubbard, MUST we?

 

CHILD 2     Can’t we just do one more song?

 

M.HUBBARD    Perhaps later my dears. I DO so want to get this ole house looking clean and ship shape. That estate agent must have seen us coming.  He had a RIGHT nerve selling it to me at THAT price.  He MUST have known what a state it was in

 

VOICE OFF          Oh no I didn’t!

 

ALL             Oh yes you did!!

(Enter Hansel and Gretel.  They wander in looking around in disbelief)

 

HANSEL     Excuse me, can you tell me where we are, only we seem to have lost our way and I left my trail of stones and bread in the forest

 

CINDERELLA (teasing) SO! YOU’RE the little litterbug who’s been leaving all that trail of rubbish in the forest, are you?  Do you know there have been THREE major complaints against you? OFFICIAL I might add!!

 

CHILD 1     ONE! Littering the forests as under Section 5, Page 17, Paragraph 3 of the Jelly Stone Handbook……..

 

CHILD 2     TWO! Laying false trails around the forest as under Section 1, Page 6, Paragraph 98………….

 

CINDERELLA      AND!!..............on more than ONE occasion, you’ve messed up the trails left by the 2nd Saltash Cub Scouts.  They ended up at the old witch’s house.  SOME of them were……………BAKED ALIVE!!!! (Everyone giggles)

 

M.HUBBARD     CINDERS!! CHILDREN!! – STOP TEASING!!  (to Hansel & Gretel) Take no notice.  Now then, did you say you were lost my dears?  (they nod)  We’ve just moved in, you can stay with us for a while if you like.  Later on, we’ll get Aladdin to take you home.  (they nod, puzzled)

 

HANSEL (to Gretel in a loud whisper) Aladdin??  My HERO!!

 

GRETEL Shhhh!!

(Enter Muvverluvvaduck – Hansel & Gretel look at each other with their mouths wide open as they realise who she is)

 

MUVVER    WOOAHH!! Steady on there girl.  (she spots Hansel & Gretel) 

Hello Ducks!  Don’t stand their with your mouths open, there’s a bus coming!

What’s your names ducks?

 

HANSEL     I’m Hansel and this is Gretel, my sister

 

GRETEL     Who are you?

 

MUVVER    DUCK!!! (a duck flies across the stage and MUSIC: BIG CRASH!

 

ALL             QUACK, QUACK, OOPS!!

MUVVER    Sorry about that me ducks.  Low level flying practice today. 

Now, where were we?  Oh yes, I am Muvverluvvaduck

DILLY & DAFFY (from the wings) MUVVER!! MUVVER!! (they enter)

 

MUVVER    Ahhh!! My BE..U..TIFUL daughters, Dilly and Daffy. Come here my darlings and meet Hansel and Gretel.  (they both walk over to Hansel trying, unsuccessfully, to look attractive, they keep tripping up etc..)

 

DILLY         Well now, HANSEL, how are YOU!! MY what SPLENDID clothes you have.  Of course, they are not as nice as MINE!!  Gosh I am SO beautiful!!

 

DAFFY        (pushing her out of the way) Hands off Dilly, I saw him first, he’s MINE not YOURS! (they start to fight and Hansel looks uncomfortable)

 

GRETEL     (trying to calm the situation and be polite) You must be VERY proud to have TWO such beautiful daughters Mrs Luvvaduck

 

JACK (from the wings) MUVVER!!  

 

MUVVER    Ahhh!  My HANDSOME son (Jack enters pulling a small double decker bus carrying the Ugly Duckling. Muvver turns to Hansel & Gretel) SEE! I TOLD you there was a bus coming! (She grabs Jack to hug him) QUACKERJACK!!

(motions to audience to repeat it)

 

JACK          MOTHER!! I WISH you wouldn’t call me that!!

 

MUVVER    QUACKERJACK! (motions to audience again) WHAT have you got there?

 

JACK          Well!  You’ve heard of a duck billed platypus?

 

ALL             Yes?

 

JACK          Well!  THIS is a DUCK FILLED CITYBUS!! (he laughs)

 

MUVVER    (at the top of her voice)  DUCK?  (duck flies across, all duck)  DUCK? (duck flies across again, all duck)  You call THAT a DUCK? (duck flies across, all duck)  It’s HIDEOUS!! It’s LOATHSOME!!  It’s UNHANDSOME!! It’s REPULSIVE!! It’s PLAIN FEATURED!! It’s WORN, TORN and its’ TATTERED!! It’s not fit to be seen AND it’s GRUESOME!!

 

JACK          And when it gets bigger, it’ll be GREW SOME more!! (he laughs)

 

MUVVER    I haven’t finished yet!!

 

JACK          I was afraid of that!

 

MUVVER    What?

 

JACK          DUCK!! (duck flies across, all duck)

 

MUVVER    It’s ILL-MADE, ILL-SHAPED, ILL-DRESSED, ILL-BRED, and

ILL-EGAL

U. DUCKLING     I’m not an Eagle, I’m a duckling and I’m not ill!

 

MUVVER    You WILL be by the time I’m finished with you!  You’re FOUL!! FOUL, he he (to audience) Get it?  It’s a joke, Foul? Duck?  (duck flies across, all duck)  (to Ugly Duckling) YOU are nothing but an UGLY duckling! 

(to Neil) Cue, song?

 

NEIL           No! That’s later!

 

U.DUCKLING (sadly)  I take it you don’t like me?

 

MUVVER    LIKE you? LIKE you?  I only like golden yellow or BE…UTIFUL

ducks like my BE....U..TIFUL Delilah here!!

 

WASHEE (calling from the back of the hall) MUVVER, Oh MUVVER!! I’ve got your washing here.  Where are you?

(Enter Widow Washee and Aladdin from the back of the hall with a load of white washing. There is a lot of business and antics as they try to get up through the audience but can’t see where they are going and keep bumping into each other and getting in a tangle. They eventually fall up steps and the washing goes everywhere)

MUSIC: BIG CRASH

 

ALL   QUACK QUACK OOPS!

 

WASHEE Tut, Tut! Just LOOK at this! All my nice clean washing EVERYWHERE! Aladdin, go and fetch the clothes horse.

(Aladdin goes off and Washee picks up the clothes)  (to Neil)  Here Luvvy, pass me that pair of knickers will you.  (Neil passes a big pair of bloomers up on a long stick. Aladdin returns with the ‘clothes horse’ – a costume horse dressed up) 

Ah! The CLOTHES HORSE!! (they lay clothes over top to ‘dry’ - horse goes off)

 

MUVVER    Widow Washee, I’d like you to meet Hansel & Gretel. They’ve lost their way in the forest and don’t know how to get back home.  I said they could stay with us for a while and perhaps Aladdin will find some time later to show them the way back home

 

WASHEE    How VERY nice to meet you both.  I am Widow Washee.  I wash and work, week in week out, whitening whites in Washee’s Workhouse, the wickedest wash woom in the west I’ll wager and this, is my son, Awaddin!

 

ALL             QUACK, QUACK, OOPS!

 

WASHEE    SOWWY!! Aladdin!

 

ALADDIN (quietly protesting to Washee) I am NOT your son! I never HAVE been and I never WILL be and I………

 

CINDERS (curious because of what she’s overheard)  Aladdin?  Whatever is the matter with you? You are ALWAYS saying that to your poor old mum

 

WASHEE    Ere!! Not so much of the OLD, thank you!

MUVVER    No, don’t you be so BOLD! (holds up a packet of Bold and laughs)

 

WASHEE    Now then, DAZ is your laundry bill so put your hand in your PERSIL and just give me the money and I’ll just WASH & GO! Come on, it’s THREE WEEKS!!

 

JACK          WHAT? HOW COME?

 

ALADDIN   Well, there’s 5 shirts, 4 pairs of bloomers, 10 pairs of socks, undies, skirts and THAT’S just last weeks

 

JACK          But I thought we paid you last week

 

WASHEE    OMO you didn’t!!

 

MUVVER    I’m sorry, Widow Washee, I’m completely skint at the moment. 

QUACKERJACK!......(motions to audience to repeat it) spent it all on sweets (Jack protests)  The ONLY way I can pay you is if my BE…A…U…TIFUL dear Delilah here will lay me a golden egg

 

MUSIC: DELILAH

 

MUVVER

Lay me an egg oh Delilah to pay for my laundry

ALL

Quack quack quack quack quack

MUVVER

Lay me an egg please Delilah I need one right now

ALL

Quack quack quack quack quack

MUVVER

Don’t stand there laughing

ALL

Ha ha ha ha

MUVVER

If you don’t lay me an egg then you’ll laugh no more

ALL

Way, hay, hay, Delilah

Have you eaten all your Quackerwheat (Delilah shakes her head)

Lay, lay, lay, Delilah

When you’ve eaten all your Quackerwheat

(Delilah shakes her head sadly, she tries to lay an egg but fails and shakes her head miserably)

 

DILLY         Oh mum, LOOK!  Isn’t she clever……

 

DAFFY        (Produces a tablecloth with all items attached) She’s laid a TABLE FOR BREAKFAST!!  (Dilly and Daffy giggle)

 

MUVVER (shouts crossly)  QUACKERJACK!!! (motions to audience to repeat)

 

JACK          DUCK!! (duck flies across, all duck)

 

MUVVER    Never mind DUCK!! (duck flies across, all duck)  YOU’D better DUCK! (duck flies across, all duck) You haven’t fed Delilah this morning, HAVE YOU? She hasn’t had her QUACKERWHEAT? (Jack shakes his head)  YOU! .. were too busy with that….that….shrivelled little WRECK! WEREN’T YOU? (Jack nods) GO! (Jack goes off and returns with a huge box of QUACKERWHEAT.  Delilah sticks her head in and gobbles it up hungrily)

 

MUSIC: DELILAH

ALL

Delilah you know that you must have a go keep on trying

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack

Washee is cross and you must please the boss don’t start crying

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack

Just keep on laughing

Ha ha ha ha

Now that you’ve eaten your grub then you’ll lay a big………one

Lay lay lay, Delilah, you have eaten up your Quackerwheat

Lay lay lay, Delilah, now you’ve eaten up your Quackerwheat

You must lay a big one for Muvver today

 

MUVVER

To pay for my laundry then you won’t be DUCK A L’ORANGE

 

ALL

To pay for her laundry then you won’t be DUCK A L’ORANGE!

(Delilah goes through antics trying to lay a big egg, makes ‘quacking’ noises and encouraged by everyone.  She lays an enormous golden egg – All Cheer)

 

MUVVER    Well I’ll be darned!  Just look at the size of THAT!  All 24 carat gold!!

 

WASHEE    Looks like you can pay me my money after all Muvver and still have some left over for yourself.  Tell you what, I’ll look after it for you (snatches the egg from her) make sure nothing happens to it.

 

MUVVER    (is not sure and snatches it back)  NO! It’s alright Washee, I’LL look after it, you’ve PROBABLY got something better to do.  (they fight over the egg and end up with Washee getting it back.  SOUND/LIGHT THUNDER & LIGHTNING Hairy Fairy & Piggy Wiggy enter.  He waves his ‘Wand of Woe’ and all on stage freeze)

5

HAIRY FAIRY     HA HA HA HA HA! I’d like to have that duck for myself. She can lay ME golden eggs ALL day and if she stops………I will have her for CHRISTMAS DINNER!!

 

PIGGY WIGGY   HE HE HE!  Christmas dinner eh?  That’s a good one bo…….

 

HAIRY FAIRY     ZIP YOUR LIP! NOW! I never said you could laugh.  All we have to do is sing that PATHETIC little song again and she will lay for US!!

(they start to sing, very badly, the chorus of Delilah but nothing happens)

MUSIC: FAIRY (Enter F.G.Mother & Sugar Plum)

 

F.G.MOTHER      You really are a simple minded old fool Hairy Fairy. Do you REALLY think Muvverluvvaduck will be parted from her PRECIOUS Delilah?

 

HAIRY FAIRY     Mind your own business you NOSEY old woman.  Hairy Fairy has his ways, be they fair or FOUL!  Of course, if it’s ME they are CERTAIN to be FOUL! Ha ha ha ha ha!  (encourages audience to boo and hiss)

 

SUGAR PLUM     Can’t you hear them booing and hissing you?  We’ve got them on OUR side, YOU can’t do a THING to Delilah

 

PIGGY WIGGY   Oh REALLY? And why not?  Are YOU going to do something about it?  I don’t THINK so! He he he he he!! (gestures to punch Sugar Plum)

 

F.G.MOTHER      Oh yes we are.  WE have WHITE on our side.  Mr WHITE!!

 

MR WHITE!  (enter Mr White from side door) Would you please show this NASTY little creep the door

 

MR WHITE (picks up Piggy Wiggy by the seat of his pants and takes him to the door) There you are SONNY, THAT’S the door (he throws him out)

 

HAIRY FAIRY     YOU can’t get rid of me THAT easily and as for THIS lot (points to audience) if THEY try anything, I’ll turn THEM into pigs……ALL of them!  Ha ha ha ha ha!!  Now then Delilah, are you going to come with me?…….and don’t YOU try anything either or you’ll find yourself OVEN READY before you know it…and that’ll COOK YOUR GOOSE!!

(He laughs.  Fairy Godmother waves her magic wand at Delilah MUSIC: FAIRY unseen by Hairy Fairy.  He tries to take Delilah by the neck but she bites him)

 

HAIRY FAIRY  OWWW!!! That HURT!! MUM!!!!  (to audience) Oh yes, YOU can laugh………yes,  you CAN laugh…..this is PANTOMIME you know.  Oh very well,  I’m going to find Piggy Wiggy.  YOU will all be sorry when I return. 

(He runs off as Fairy Godmother and Sugar Plum wave their wands, MUSIC: FAIRY unfreeze the cast and go off, Enter Pied Piper and Wagpuss. Washee goes into laundry)

 

PIED PIPER        Good day to each and every one of you and good morrow to YOU (audience) ladies and gentlemen. I am the Pied Piper of Hamelin and THIS is my dear cat and trusted timekeeper, Wagpuss

 

JACK          Hello Mr Piper and what brings YOU to Pantoland?

 

PIED PIPER        I have come to play for Baron Loafalot.  He is organising a ball and he’s going to invite everyone in the town

 

ALADDIN             He must be up to something.  He never usually gives us ANYTHING!, In fact, he’s the meanest skinflint I’ve ever known. When my mum does his washing SHE usually ends up paying HIM!

 

PIED PIPER        Well, actually, he’s looking for suitable young ladies to work at the castle in return for their keep

 

ALADDIN             Huh! Thought as much……. the lazy good for noth……..

(Villagers & Children go off. Washee runs out of the laundrette chasing the 4 Bugs.  She is shouting and screaming at them ‘Get out of here’ ‘Go on – SCRAM’ etc etc.  the Bugs run around and into a corner where they hide in a corner, holding each other tight)

 

WASHEE    Aren’t they the UGLIEST little bugs you’ve EVER seen, Muvver? The CHEEK of them!  ONE was actually wiping her FACE in my BEST WHITE TOWELS after eating out of my LARDER!!

 

MUVVER    Oh I agree! ‘ORRIBLE little things.  They get EVERYWHERE!! I dunno, bed bugs here, caterpillars there.  They’ll be the RUIN of your business Washee

 

CINDERELLA      WIDOW WASHEE!! MUVVER LUVVADUCK!! I’m SURPRISED at you treating them like that! They’ve done no harm.  Look, you’ve made the dear little things cower in the corner.  Come on little bugs, it’s all right, you can come out

 

CATERPILLAR    Hello Cinderelly,  I am Caterpillar and this is Dragonfly, Bedbug and Earwig

 

EARWIG    Ere we go, ‘Ere we go, ‘Ere we go……(the rest shut him up)

 

ALL BUGS  Hello Cinderelly

 

DRAGONFLY       You are SO kind Cinderelly.  We won’t hurt you and we don’t bite – honestly

 

BED BUG   (yawning) We…..just….want….somewhere (yawn) warm…..where….we ….can….go…to….sleep…(yawn)  Can…..we… stay…at… YOUR.....house….Cinderelly? (falls asleep)

 

CINDERELLA      Well….I suppose you COULD stay but you will have to help me with the cleaning, there is so much to do

 

ALL BUGS            We will Cinderelly…. Thank you

 

MOTHER HUBBARD    I’m not sure I want those little critters in my house. 

No one asked ME if they could stay.  It’s a good job you told them they would have to work for their living Cinderella (she goes off followed by everyone except Cinderella, the Bugs, Hansel, Gretel and the Orphans)

 

GRETEL     I wouldn’t mind going to that Ball.  Are you going Cinderella?

 

CINDERELLA      I’d love to but I haven’t got a ball gown to wear.  I could buy one at the market…….if I had the money

 

CHARACTERS

HANSEL) Brother and….

GRETEL) Sister

CINDERELLA - Poor

MUVVERLUVVADUCK – (MOTHER GOOSE type character – CAN BE GIRL OR BOY AS DAME)

DILLY & DAFFY – HER DAUGHTERS – AGAIN CAN BE GIRLS OR BOYS AS DAMES

JACK – MUVVERS SON – (Bit simple & shy – He takes care of the Ugly Duckling)

HAIRY FAIRY – BADDY – LOTS OF DIFFERENT DISGUISES – Every Baddie in every panto you can think of!

PIGGY WIGGY – HIS ASSISTANT – DIFFERENT DISGUISES – Every Goodie in every panto you can think of!

FAIRY GODMOTHER – GOOD FAIRY – DIFFERENT DISGUISES – Every Goodie in every panto you can think of!

SUGAR PLUM – HER ASSISTANT – DIFFERENT DISGUISES

MOTHER HUBBARD – Motherly character

UGLY DUCKLING

WISHEE WASHEE (Dame character preferably)

ALADDIN – HER SON/DAUGHTER? – THERE’S A TWIST!!

DELILAH – THE DUCK

MR WHITE – CARETAKER – COUPLE OF LINES ONLY

PIED PIPER

WAGPUSS – HIS CAT

CATERPILLAR, BEDBUG, EARWIG, DRAGONFLY – THE 4 UGLY BUGS

GIANT – VOICE OFF STAGE

CHORUS ONE LINERS – Lots of!

FIRE BRIGADE – 2, 3 or 4

SIR LOAFALOT - THE BARON

FRIAR TUCK

MAID MARIAN

ROBIN HOOD

DADDY BEAR, MUMMY BEAR, BABY BEAR

LITTLE MISS MUFFETT

MARY MARY

SNOW WHITE

HUMPTY DUMPTY

PARAMEDICS

POLICEMEN

GRUMPY

CROCODILE

The majority of the latter parts are from people within the chorus to give them the opportunity of a small part at some time